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You planted thorns in my chest with hands I once trusted, and now every breath feels like an apology I shouldn’t owe.
-Larson Langston
January 16, 2025
Anyway, I have been crying every single day since November 1st. Today is 73 days in a row. You'd think there would be no more tears to shed, but you'd be wrong. It just gets worse and worse each day. I'm to the point now that any time I'm alone, I cry. Even when Bryan is gone for a short time. His workdays are the worst as those are usually my suicidal days. I've had to call him a few times when I was dangerously close to ending it all. I can't do that anymore though. I don't want him to get into trouble at his new job. Though now his new boss already knows I'm mentally unstable. Just like Ray did. I hate that Bryan's coworkers know what a nutcase I am.
I have gotten back into cutting. Nothing else helps with the pain except that.
I fucking hate being me. I want to be someone else, someone normal, someone people like. But after 20+ years and having only one friend for 11 months, (though probably less since we were only coworkers at first) I've given up.
I told my parents about what's been going on for the past couple year and why I institutionalized for 37 days. I was crying and telling them how I've had no friends my whole life and my mom told me about how I would get nasty notes from people at school saying they didn't want to be friends with me. I had forgotten. So now there's that.
Pixelle kept me company as I was writing this.
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