JF Castillo

Just came back from the dentist. My mouth is numb.

Working on a pastel painting. It’s been many, many years since I last did one. So, we’ll see how it goes.

Bloop, bloop, bloop.

Thought of some other things I had wanted to tell you. I’ll have to post it.

Bryan has gone to bed but I’m still doing laundry. Shouldn’t be too much longer.

So tired!
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Continued...

So, I guess I'll talk about my processing group. This was a group of about six or seven people who came together Monday through Thursday. We met for an hour and talked about trauma we've experienced and our issues. You get really close to people really fast when you're thrown together to talk about painful shit. I only spoke a few times, but after hearing other peoples' stories I felt that I didn't have a right to complain. We did a few assignments. One was right off where we had to fill out info about our experiences, family, and friends. Then, if we were okay with it, we could share them. So, I decided to read mine.

I went through it quickly. Talking about being molested and my sister terrorizing and trying to kill me and a bunch of other stuff. I was so flat when I read it that one of the people in the group said that she wished she could read through her stuff so easily. lol It's easy to read that shit when you shut down and disassociate. lol We also painted masks to show what people see and how we see ourselves. Similar to the one where the lady said she hates people like me. (at least she was honest, right? lol) So, I painted the face light blue with a sunrise on the forhead. On the inside I painted it black. Original, I know. lol​

The people rotated in and out of the group depending on when they were being discharged. I remember Saeed, Ernesto, Zack, and Brian. lol Ernesto's and Brian's were easy to remember because my dad's name is Ernest and well... Brian is... well... Bryan. lol Brian was funny. He was in my processing group, but he only attended once. The rest of the time he just wandered around, getting in trouble. lol He would go into the classes, stay for like five or ten minutes and then leave. Whenever I spotted him, I would go over and we would commiserate for a few minutes about how we didn't like the place, and I would ask what kind of trouble he was getting into. I wish I could remember everything he told me, but the best one was that he stole one of the maintanence worker's golfcarts and rode it around campus. lol He was hilarious. Pretty sure he was trying to get kicked out. lol

I'm certain he had serious problems and that he was likely there against his will, but I liked him and wanted him to know he wasn't alone since he didn't socialize with anyone. (Plus, his name was Brian, so I was automatically attached. lol) We would just laugh together at his antics and then went on our way after a few minutes. He did attend one class with me almost the entire time, being a smartass toward the counselor. lol I had to try not to laugh. The counselor was NOT amused. lol

Then there was Zack. He was really quiet and didn't share much. I don't have much to say about him, but he was really nice. Ernesto was freaking hilarious and such a really nice guy. He was also very cute. lol Not that that matters. Right??? lol He invited me a few times to hang out but it was at the smoking gazebos so I didn't. That's where most people hung out, so I was mostly alone the whole time. I stayed up in the loft and read whenever I wasn't at a class. I didn't want to go into the room in case Mary was there. It wasn't till my last few days were I had hardly anything to do so I decided to stay in the room reading. She came in once and stopped in the doorway when she saw me. Of course she gave me one of her looks, came in and grabbed something and then left without a word. lol After that she would come in every so often, silently grab something, and then leave. It was fantastic! lol (sarcasm)

Anyway, there was one activity my processing group did. We went outside and they had some sort of course thing where you like walked across planks of wood held by rope (it looked like a swing). So I had to walk across them without falling. I hadn't wanted to do it, but Zack and Saeed pressured me into doing it. lol So they each stood on either side of me and followed me in case I fell. I managed to get over them and then there was this thing where it had ropes on a metal frame, and they crossed from corner to corner. Then there was a rope that went across parallel to the ground. It was several feet above the ground like a tightrope. So, I tried to cross it and holding onto the crossing ropes. One of the ropes slid out of my hand and I started falling backward. Fortunately, Saeed and Zack were able to guide me to the ground. I was just laughing. The rest of the time they were there, I called them my heroes. lol
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