JF Castillo

January 14, 2025​

​I know you'll never read this, but Bryan and my psych wanted me to "write to you" as a way to journal (I cannot journal the usual way) and hopefully help cope with you hating me, hating myself, and everyone else hating me as well. Don't worry, no one will read all of this. So here we are.

Welcome to the disturbing adventure through my fucked-up brain... 

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Maybe all this will make understanding or seeing my issues easier (for me, not for you since you'll never read this). You asked why every few weeks I would get upset. You'll see that happens with everything. It builds and builds until my brain can't hold it all anymore. I do it to Bryan too. He's asked me the same question. Why every few weeks do I ask if he loves me or need reassurance from him.

 

I need to know I'm good. I need to know he thinks I'm good. Though I know I'm not. He's the good one. He's been with me for 23 years. I don't know how he managed to stay with me that long. I don't know how he can put up with, handle, or stand me. Anyway.

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So a couple weeks ago my psych diagnosed me with OCD, which is weird for me since that is something people are always joking about. I don't want to share it with anyone because I feel like it wouldn't be taken seriously. Especially since I have very few visible compulsions and even if you saw them you probably wouldn't notice. Like, I literally cannot have the AC or volume up on music in my car when I'm at a drive-thru. I avoid stepping on cracks. I do my best to avoid manholes and drains or whatever while driving (which is not always possible) and I'm afraid to walk over manholes, drains, and anything covering some sort of hole in the ground because I'm afraid I will fall in.

 

Walking over manholes and such is probably my most distressing visible compulsion. I hate the sound of people crunching food and chewing gum so much it makes me want to punch the person. Which I guess is misophonia? I also hate the sound of the dogs licking, and I have to stop them every time. However, the majority of my obsessions and compulsions cannot be seen. Apparently, mine is mostly in my head (nicknamed Pure O or Pure Obsession since you can't see them).

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Mine involve obsessing over thoughts such as:

• How much I hate myself

• All the reasons why I hate myself

• How much people hate me

• All of the reasons why people hate me

• How much you hate me

• All of the reasons why you hate me

• How I'm a bad person

• Why I'm a bad person

• I've driven everyone away

• I have no one to talk to

• Nobody wants to talk to me

• No one wants to be around me

• I deserve to suffer and die because...

  • I'm a terrible person

  • I'm a horrible person

  • I hurt people

  • I'm a failure at being a good person

  • I'm a failure at life

  • I'm a failure as a friend

  • I'm a failure as a wife

  • ​I'm a failure as a person

  • Shame, shame, shame

  • I did to you what I hated that you did to me, so I deserve to hurt

  • I left when you were hurting (not that "being there for you" would have mattered to you, but my brain can't understand that)

  • I've caused all of these medical problems and now you're going to die

  • Everything bad is my fault

  • Everyone hates me

  • I'm totally screwed up

  • I'm worthless

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​​​​​​​​​​​​I also obsessively track things on my calendar, especially bad things. I thought it was ironic that this shit has happened almost at the same time as when you last ignored me.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​